Unexpected turns

[For my 299th post, I’m going to pretend that it hasn’t been 4 months since I last updated. I never claimed to be a persistent writer, anyway.]

So, last time I talked about how thankful I was for the job I had been offered after a long, bitter winter of unemployment.

Well … that didn’t really work out; didn’t even last 2 months. I actually have no clue why. It seemed perfect: I was doing what I did best (teaching language), I had intelligent people for both learners and colleagues, and it was less than an hour away from my place. But, I was still sad; I still felt lonely, and I still don’t bloody know why.

I don’t regret anything, of course. All of what I said here still rings true: it wasn’t a very long stay, but I was able to reflect on my life a little bit more. Maybe I left my winter wonderland too soon? Who knows.

What’s important is where I am now, which is a relatively happier place. I took an unexpected turn, and I’m back at my old job from last year. Who would’ve thought they’d invite me back? Indeed, the mantra/hashtag still holds: #StillQuiteLucky.

Google hosted image from gods-know-where

Google hosted image from gods-know-where

In 2015, I hope to finally cross over to the ‘new era’, but for now, I wait; for now, I prepare.

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On self-worth

Today, I was reminded by my seerapist of one of the most important things I’ve learnt in my 7 years working: self-worth.

iloveme

This whole time that’s what you’ve learned: self-worth; the ability to detect what a good deal is from a bad deal. If you’re earning 20 grand for the effort you’re putting in now, why not earn 20 grand with less effort in a different job?

There’s no point in working hard or sucking it up if it doesn’t lead anywhere. You have nothing to prove to anyone. You can endure a job for a full year, but if you get out of it empty-handed, other than the satisfaction that you were able to endure a year in a shitty job–that makes you strong, sure, but it also makes you kind of stupid. Life’s too short for that. Remember, the only real money you have while you are alive is time. It’s like beating with a fork vs beating with an eggbeater. You’ll get the same result but one is more efficient than the other. The quicker you’re able to reach your desires in your lifetime the richer you are. Wealth is speed; speed is wealth. These are things you’ve internalized over the past few years, and now you have the internal compass to help guide you, something that should’ve tingled your intuition a long time ago.

Today in thanks: 26th of the 3rd, 2014

This is embarrassing. Between January 1st and today, my only post has been about horny, fruitarian werewolves. It sounds like a good time to be grateful today. (I know, that sounded so cheesy, but whatever.)

So, today, I am thankful for:

  • My new job. Yes, my winter has ended. To auspicious beginnings!
  • That I waited all those months, not jumping on just any job I could find, staying true to the Big D’s counsel. Hail the God who comes, the God who answers, the God who delivers!
  • That I passed my bilingual test at work! I know my job doesn’t really require me to be fluent, but just knowing that I can pull off a decent conversation in French makes me happy. Now, I must work on my Irish and brush up on my Spanish!
  • That I survived the first week at work (which is always the hardest). I actually almost went crazy for the first few days, but with a little help, I stayed true to my long-term goals and focused on them. I’ve still got a few questions that need answering, but I’m thankful, I’m in a better position now to answer them.
  • That I trusted in myself that I could do it. I know, I can be an unforgiving perfectionist sometimes, but a little self-love can do wonders for me. Never forget to believe in yourself, mate.
  • That I didn’t waste all those jobless months; that I put them to good use. Times spent learning never go to waste.
  • Hermês, Dionysos, and Apollôn, and the gracious spirits around me: always and for ever my succour.
  • My friends and family: I will always be thankful for each one of you. You are my life and I love you.
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May I always remember the Wolf in me.

Productivity

September was an unproductive month. I avoided studying and working on purpose, and whilst I’m not proud of it, it is what it is.

Parts of it were fun, though, so it’s not entirely unproductive. I attended several festivals, I stressed myself to death by finishing three seasons of The Walking Dead, gorged on films one after another; I went out as often as I could, lay down in bed as much as I could, and ate whatever I wanted. The only un-fun part was when I got sick twice. Good fun, but I could be a little more responsible.

August was so-so, part struggling to be productive and part slacking off. July was probably the most productive when I quit social media for a whole month and started studying again. Maybe I should go back to that? We’re halfway through October and almost 2014, so I better start sprucing the tree.

I’ve started learning Portuguese as a start and have gone back to burying my head in all the free French lessons I can get. Duolingo is fantastic, although still a bit crazy.

cannibal

Still quite lucky

Okay, I’m back. Amazing, I tell you. Bangkok is so much better than Manila in so many ways. But, I won’t go into that right now because I don’t want my blog to be hijacked by butthurt dimwits.

So anyway, I promised I would eventually talk about what’s been going on and why I’ve been more introspective here than usual. But, first, some photos:

DSC_0867 2013-06-27 14.29.26 2013-06-27 10.13.57 2013-06-27 11.49.10 2013-06-27 11.47.55 2013-06-27 11.45.27 2013-06-27 10.47.30 1014338_10151548669314440_1798558256_n

^ So much love.

Anywho. I can’t totally describe what I’m going through right now. I left clues here, if you remember:

The same old questions I had when I first started to work are louder now on my sixth year:

“What am I doing?”

“What is this all for?”

“How do I get closer to my goals?”

“Where am I headed?”

Did being in 5 companies in 6 years help me? Did being in Quality, Training, Management, or Sales in these 6 years help me get closer to my life goals? Does my “colourful” background in Hospitality/Customer Service/Telco/Real Estate/BPO/Finance actually even help me to get where I want to be in life? It’s not bad, no. It could actually be something good, but it’s easier to think that it’s something bad if you’re the type to wallow in defeat or doubt. I’m not the type, so here I am. Like I’ve told you before:

I’m not complaining. I did get what I needed in each of the years I worked, and I thank Hermês for all the good connections I’ve made and where my hard-earnt money went. All these questions don’t stress me out as much anymore. My quarter life crisis is coming to an end, I suppose, as I begin to unload the unnecessary baggage from my life. I feel lighter about life now. The “wrong” turns I’ve made don’t matter as much as what I’m doing to get back in the game. Never mind that it’s going to be a challenge fighting for what I want. I’m taking myself onto my own path. I’m beginning to see the road much more clearly now, thanks to my people and my spirits.

Currently, I am on my 6th company (my third this year, Jesus Christ!) and I’m not even sure if it’s going to last until Christmas or if there’s going be a 7th still. Imagine that. But, you know what, it’s never really turned out so bad (thank Hermês!) and that’s what amazes me. I gave my previous company the finger this year, got rejected twice in two new jobs, and yet, I still had a lot to take home (lessons and moniez). My life so far continues to be a story of “buti na lang” or “thank my lucky stars”.

That said, I’m now working on being more conscious about the choices I make, reminding myself of what my goals are, paying attention to “signs” and gut feelings, and seeking counsel with other INFJs who are doing far better than I am with our strengths and weaknesses. I trust myself and the people around me that things will get better… because I will work twice as hard to make it so.

I also realise now that I should always work for my heart–my eyes on my goals every time I enter a new job. For every day gone by; for every work done, we should be making long-term investments to our own passions. We all have one. That one thing that makes us who we are; makes us feel we’ve given something valuable, something beautiful to this world.

The past doesn’t matter anymore, of course. We can’t go back; we can only learn from it. What matters is what we’re doing now to feed that part of our souls that makes us feel alive. There’s still time. At 27, I realise this. And thus, the Gods have spoken

Here, have a beautiful cave, a wolf, and a beautiful boy:

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Icarus Wings

Landschap met val van Icarus - Pieter Brueghel the Elder

Landschap met val van Icarus – Pieter Brueghel the Elder

A scolding from my friend, the seerapist (seer/therapist), through myth and fiction:

You want to hang a painting on your home wall. But your home wall is concrete, and you don’t exactly know how to hang it, so you’re like: “Man, I don’t have a power drill. I need to get the latest power drill, the VinDiesel-170a.” 

You go to the phones and call the hardware store, and ask for it. “How much is that?”

“Yeah, it’s 102 Simoleons.”

“Oh, I don’t have enough saved to get it, I can only set aside 30 Simoleons a month for this kind of stuff.”

“I guess I’ll have to wait for 4 months.”

So you get really excited, you put the painting safe in a dark room while saving up money for the VinDiesel-170a. It is the biggest, most powerful power drill, It’s new and efficient. It’s definitely going to get your painting on the wall.

After 4 months, you finally get the drill from the shop, and it has a step-by-step instruction manual that you use to try to construct the drill. But you’ve never actually constructed any power tools before, so it takes you a few hours to do it.

In the meantime, your friends come over.

“Hey Sisyphus! What’s up? What are you doing today?”

“Nothing much Prometheus. I finally got this drill that I’ve been waiting for. So I can finally hang my painting on the wall. Isn’t it fantastic? I’m still figuring out how to use it.”

“Wow, it really is shiny and big. I’m sure you can do very very many things with it. Can I see the painting you wanted to hang?”

So you get the painting from the dark room, it’s a big heavy painting of Bruegel’s ‘Landscape with the fall of Icarus’.

It makes your living room really POP, and is in balance with the rest of your furniture, which are all in dark wood and brown, earthy tones.

“It’s my favorite, it’s an heirloom that’s been passed down through generations,” you say.

“Wow, it is really impressive, and I think that it will complete your living room. And you plan on hanging it on that concrete wall?”

“Yeah I am. The northern wall is the best place to hang it. So that’s why I got this awesome drill.”

Prometheus watches as you fumble assembling the final parts of the drill, and looks to your southern wall. “And you need the drill because it’s the only thing that can put nails through concrete, right?”

You look up. “Yeah.”

“I just want the painting hung up on this room.”

Prometheus has a quizzical look on his face. “Your southern wall is made of wood, not concrete. Why didn’t you just hammer it there?”

“I……………… erm, well…”

Prometheus continues. “If it upsets the design of your living room, we can always rearrange the furniture. It’s certainly cheaper than getting that power drill.”

He looks at you, Sisyphus. “But I guess you really wanted to buy that drill, huh? Well, that’s fine, if that makes you happy. But I remember that you told me before that nothing would make you happier than getting the painting hung in this room.”

“I…. I guess I never thought of that… I was too busy thinking about the drill that I never realized other ways of hanging the painting.”

Prometheus laughs. “It’s alright. Do you think I was stupid when I stole fire and got my guts eaten for millennia? I knew all of that would happen, and I planned it all along. Don’t get your guts eaten for nothing.”

THE END

Well, I’ll be.

When you are not sure, divine!

From: unionovserpents.tumblr

From: unionovserpents.tumblr

I asked the runes today whether I should take this job that I was applying for. It’s not exactly what I want, but it could still get me by?

Here’s what my seer/therapist-friend said:

The runes are Eoh (yew) and Ior (eel). Yew is stubborn and steadfast, and it’s about resistance. Needless to say, it sounds like choosing this path would require you to persevere. The eel for me sounds like the balance between work and life. You’ll have to juggle those again.

I asked the runes what you should do in general right now. They gave me Cweordh (fire twirl) and Ac (oak/acorn). Apparently, even if you have broken your fast, you are still being purified. The non-essential things in your life are being burned away because the forest must be cleared for the planting of an acorn: something small, something humble that takes time and grows into something massive.

So you can do two things at the moment: identify what no longer helps you move on as a person and try to well let it go, and cultivate your acorns.

My personal advice to you is I don’t think you should be too much in a hurry to find a new job and get employed. Just because you’re working, just because you’re busy, it doesn’t mean you’re moving faster to your goals in life. It’s like running around in place. You’re just tiring yourself out but you’re not really getting anywhere.

I think you feel bad when you don’t work. Like, you feel like a bad son or something. But, ultimately, these are just stepping stones. You can’t keep stepping around on stepping stones for ever.

Because of their inferior’s concern for material comforts, INFJs also tend to struggle with subsistence-related fears. They may worry excessively about losing their jobs, being forced to relocate, or not having enough money.

You complain about how radical, anti-religious atheists fight for an absence of something. Ultimately, that is not sustainable. But, acting out of fear… is acting for absence of something. Acting for its removal. That is not sustainable. One will always be running away from something, but where are they going? What’s the goal? Many people lead their lives acting out of fear, to rid themselves of something. But maybe it’s much better to act towards the fulfillment of something rather than the absence of something. Because otherwise one will just end up nowhere.

Thank the Gods for seers and runes and therapists.