Légomai Eleuthérios

It was the day before Poppy Day when the son, brother, and friend known as Aldrin, author of this lazy arse blog, fucked up big time. Sinking into a pool of shame, guilt, and sadness, he descended into the abyss of his own making, and perished.

Just kidding. He isn’t dead–not literally, at least–but he is trying to resurrect himself from a figurative death as we speak.

Half a month after shutting people out from his then-dismal existence–on Lebanon’s independence day, no less–Aldrin decided to reconnect, taking the name of Eleutherios (ancient or modern pronunciation, doesn’t matter).

I am now Eleutherios.

Born again, through the fires of freedom and truth, though not in any evangelical or new-agey way. Halleloo.

Now, you can still call me by my old name, no problem, but it wouldn’t hurt if you called me Eleutherios, too.

The reason I decided to change my name is because it’s symbolic of what I’m going through right now. Nothing overly dramatic, but still signifies a death and rebirth of some sort. It’s a powerful act, taking back control.

I’m turning 30 next year and I feel like I need a radical change in my life. One that has just been waiting to happen, apparently.

It won’t be easy and it will be painful, but I’m willing to go through it if that’s what it takes. Truly, this year has been transformative. Painfully transformative. This is what you get when you delay the necessary.

I’m not a major mess. Heck, I’m relatively lucky in terms of the support that I’ve got and the lot I’ve been given. That being said, I still fucked some things up, hurt important people in my life, and I’m just taking ownership.

I’ve broken some hearts, but I broke mine, too. So help me me, I will fix this shit and un-horcrux my soul.

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Image via sunsetinn.com

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One year ends, another begins, still quite lucky!

Last Christmas, as you might have seen here, I had lots of money to spend on the holidays. This year, I only had a little over a thousand pesos in my pocket (roughly $20), and it wasn’t even in my pocket; it was in my piggy bank! I wish there were more, but it was all that little golden pig could carry: 200 pieces of 5 peso coins.

Hail, Singh the Golden, the Magnificent, the Stupendous!

Here’s Singh, inspecting how much gold the little pig was able to keep for 2013.

Fortunately, I’ve got a very supporting family and the most generous of friends, so I never needed to spend any of that on any of the days I was jobless. I’m still unemployed, by the way–on my fifth month now–but I’ve got a good feeling (and I’m good at feelings) that all that’s going to change very soon. Immensely. The period of purification is ending, the mist is parting, and the path ahead seems clearer. Still quite lucky, even to the very end of 2013.

As soon as I received word from the Dionysian oracle of Eugene that great things were coming, I promised the Gods I would spend what little I had on a feast, all from my own pocket. It would thus be a feast in thanksgiving and honour of every god and un-god who’s ever helped me in 2013, especially through the darker times.

Here’s the small feast as presented before the All-Gods on Christmas Day, right before being shared with the family:

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Dates, fruit, olive oil, wine, and a nice triple chocolate cake. All for less than $20. Not bad, eh?

There’s still some wine left, which is perfect, so I don’t have to spend so much tomorrow on New Year’s Eve. A little of the old to begin the New Year? Sounds right to me.

Hail Hermês! Hail Dionysos! For friends and family and feasting, I will for ever thank you. With you, my cup has never been and will never go empty. Much of my love from my heart to yours, dearest ones.

A week of thanks: 9th-15th of the 12th, 2013

This week, I am thankful for the following:

  • La langue française. It continues to drive me insane, even after two years. It’s an exhilarating kind of insanity, though, so it’s mostly okay. I love languages and I’m thankful for each and every one of them.
  • My friends. I’m always thankful for my friends.
  • For my friend who made me watch Spirited Away. In French. What a magical, weird movie.
  • Peter Jackson! You can hate him all you want, but I love this man to death. There were several cringe-worthy scenes in The Desolation of Smaug, but the movie was still awesome. This Middle-Earthling is grateful.
  • Sannion. I will be eternally grateful for this man’s genius and how he’s bridged me closer to Dionysos.
  • Dionysos. May his name be praised for ever and ever.
  • The landwights and house lares for their guardianship over my city and family. I’ll miss them when I leave the country, but I trust that they will bless me on my journey.
  • For life. For love. For the glorious Innernets (even if it’s acting kind of stupid right now).
  • For Christmas! It traditionally starts tomorrow at the break of dawn. (Other Filipinos will start theirs on 1 September, but I’m not one of them.)
Liverpool covered in snow. Photo by I don't know who.

Liverpool covered in snow. Photo by I don’t know who.

Sons of Dionysos

These past few days weeks months have been quite introspective (and stressful) for me and I have been very thankful that I’ve got two Dionysian friends who have guided me through and through. I’ll talk more about in the succeeding days, but for now, let me share you what Dionysos advised me to do in the next six months via Sannion:

Your worship is beautiful; your ancestors are pleased. But you don’t laugh enough. Go on a journey. It will destroy your life as you know it. Take it.

There He is again with making me smile and shiver at the same time. Hail, Breaker of shackles! You never fail to unbullshit my bullshit. Touché.

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Then there’s Mad Light with his runes and cards mixed with psychiatry. This is what he read for me:

This first card is the Fear Dorcha. This is your past and it’s ongoing now. There is an inner shadow, an inner conflict, a hidden part of you that you have been ignoring. Now is the time to ask the questions: “Who am I really?” and “What do I want to become?”. These questions may be hard to answer, because most of the time who you think you are, isn’t who you really are. What you think you want, you don’t really want. But, in the back of your mind, back of your heart, you know there’s something wonky going on, that’s why you’ve been ignoring these questions. Because you might not like hearing the answer. And because you might have to make changes in your life when you realise that.

The card being in the past suggests that this has been going on for a while. Feel around for it in yourself. You’ll understand in time.

Your present card is a reversed Green Lady. Every plant knows how it must grow. When you plant a seed in soil, it will become a squash. It does not ask if it will become an apple tree or something. But reversed: “Twisted, the energy of growth goes awry, and we move in directions that are either dead ends or simply inappropriate for us. Or perhaps we try to shift from one extreme to another, between growth and stasis, which only yields twisted, stunted, and warped results”.

Your last card is the Soul Shrinker. Beware of malicious gossip and curses flying between people. Of bad criticism. Soon you will need to counteract this with saying nice things, not only to others, but also to yourself. Critical and malicious thoughts become curses when the target accepts the negativity into themselves. That’s how curses work, and soon, you’ll have to counteract it with positivity. Don’t let yourself curse yourself; don’t bring yourself down.

Your past card was the card of the fairy version of the Sphinx. She asks the riddle of identity and the riddle of the self. Basically her appearance in this reading is that there are self-identity issues that you need to face, that have been plaguing you for a while. You have to face them before you can move forward. This just goes back to what I was saying before: ‘don’t make decisions out of fear‘. Make decisions that lead you somewhere. But, the sphinx warns that you might have to think again. Are you making your decision out of fear, or out of reaching a goal? And what’s even more confusing is even if you’re trying to reach a goal, did you set your goal out of fear? One example is revenge. It’s a goal set out of anger and hate, but it’s a goal, nonetheless. So you have to make sure that the goals that you have set aren’t made out of negativity, but because they’ll make you happy.

Also, what’s even more confusing is that the goals you have set in the past may not be goals that you desire now. All of these questions should be answered by you. It’s a riddle. (Well, you don’t need to totally answer everything, but it will help to know where you’re headed.)

Know who you are, who you really are. The first card is telling you you’re “in denial” about certain issues in yourself. So you have to resolve those.

Now, the Green Woman: When you walk in the city you’ll find plants struggling to grow they’ll grow in the pavement cracks. They’ll trail on the walls of buildings, and even in the most inhospitable environments, you’ll find plants. How did they even get to, say, the 10th floor of a building? Where the ground is fertile, they will grow. As seeds, they can’t choose where they land, but wherever they land, they will try to grow no matter what, they will try to live; they will try to thrive. They will always try to find ways to nourish themselves and eat sunlight. This is what you must do, but the twisted energy of the green lady says that you are indeed growing… but not… in the way that you should. In other words: You are a pumpkin seed trying to grow into a pine tree, and that’s just not going to work. You might think that you want to become a pine tree out of fear, or maybe just because everyone’s a pine seed, but you can’t change the fact that you are a pumpkin seed.

Just listen for now, at the end of the reading, there will be one message. Remember, there is a way to be a pumpkin in a world full of pines. And don’t expect to grow quickly; plants are patient too, you know.

The last card warns you of criticism. Well, bad criticism. This will happen in the future: don’t let criticism bring you down, just accept it, and use it as a stepping stone to become better. Be careful of gossip and do not curse yourself. Try to have more self-esteem, and instead of bringing yourself down, pull yourself up. You can twist negative comments, so they pull you up instead of bring you down.

The next time you hear in the back of your mind: “You’re worthless! You’re unskilled!” — tell yourself: “No, I have worth, and what skill I don’t have, I can work on”. Something like that. Don’t take criticism personally.

But, there are connotations of gossip, as well. Don’t take it personally. The jobs that have rejected you? You are just not what they needed and they’re just not what you need!

But anyway, this happens in the future, so just be prepared for it. In the meantime, work on your past and present issues.

Thank Dionysos for Dionysian friends.

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